


Votre Voice est une (Merde) Chanson

by generalvogel



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, Suicide Attempt, Trans Male Character, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-07
Updated: 2014-09-22
Packaged: 2018-02-16 10:58:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2267190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/generalvogel/pseuds/generalvogel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren Jaeger is diagnosed with severe depression. When he believes all hope is lost, the mysterious man that knocks on his door invokes feelings within Eren that he has not felt in a long time. But will these feelings ever be enough?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Le Début

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings in the first chapter: anxiety/panic attack and suicidal feelings.
> 
> Sorry these tags come into the story right away! I've never written a scene like this before, but yay first chapter is up! So what's up with Eren? What's Levi doing in a shitty apartment? We'll find out in future chapters.
> 
> Also, trans!Armin in this story! This will be talked about more later during a very important scene.  
> I'll be available on my tumblr to answer any questions you have about the fic~

_“It’ll be ok. We’ll get through this together.”_

 

_“You’ll be alright.”_

 

_“We’re here for you.”_

 

_“Why didn’t you say anything before?”_

 

_“How long have you been feeling like this?”_

 

_“Get over it. Life’s too short to mope around all the time.”_

 

_“Eren, why are you crying?”_

 

My name is Eren Jaeger and I was just diagnosed with severe depression. The doctor said it could be because of a “traumatic experience” or something, like my parents’ death. I’ll spare you the details, but my mom died a few months ago due to an illness. It was an epidemic that spread far too quickly across the city and my father, who works with exotic medicine, couldn’t save her. After that, it was as if he fell into some kind of maddened state of being, desperately trying to find a cure to this outbreak. He was constantly agitated and almost never left his office. Almost. He was prone to testing out drugs on his own body but when his veins were backed up, I was no longer his son but a guinea pig. I found him dead in his office one day. The hospital claimed that the cause of death was uncertain, but I was sure that he had overdosed on some weird ass experiment. I haven’t been to a hospital in a long time. It just brings back bad memories. But I guess these memories were shitty enough to land me in the backseat of my best friend’s car.

“Eren, I promise. We’ll take care of you.”

I could feel fingers running through my hair, trying to comfort me. As much as I appreciated the effort, I don’t think anything could have prepared me for what Dr. Smith had told me. I never expected it to get this bad, I swear. I thought if I had kept my... problems to myself, everyone would be okay. Apparently it wasn’t ok, because not only was I in the backseat, I was pretty much just frozen in shock. What was I going to do? My friends would probably treat me differently now. I was going to become a burden to them.

“Eren? We’re home.” Armin stared back at me, his ocean-blue eyes full of concern. “Do you need help getting out of the car?”

I sat up and opened the door, pulling the hood of my jacket over my head as I stepped out of the car, feeling the vicious downpour seep through the thin fabric. It had been raining since I left for my appointment with Dr. Smith and only seemed to grow worse as the day went on. The sky was dark, street lights producing a faint glow against the rolling fog. Flooding puddles traced the curb into the rusted sewer drain. The building wasn’t anything fancy. In fact, this neighborhood would probably be classified as “the ghetto” if it weren’t for it being so close to the downtown district. Now my side of the downtown district had a higher crime rate than the posh business side, hence the lack of people and finances coming in.

I didn’t have a job. Mikasa worked as a Walmart cashier a few miles or so from my apartment complex and attended the local college on a scholarship program so I didn’t see her as often as I’d like. Not that I minded, you know? She wasn’t related to me, but we were just as close. Mom took her in when I was little after the fire at her place and she stayed with us ever since. She stayed with me ever since. To be honest, and let’s keep this a secret, I thought she would have left a long time ago. I really love her. She acts like mom did and I guess she’s just my constant reminder? I don’t know. Maybe that just sounds stupid. And don’t even get me started on Armin. He was the smartest person I knew and deserved the world and more. He lived with his grandfather a few blocks away and we’ve been friends since childhood. Armin was bullied a lot when we were younger for being both gay and transgender so when we found him behind the school building one day in tears, Mikasa and I released our wrath upon the assholes. Ok, maybe the word “wrath” is a bit extreme but everything was just right then. We didn’t worry about anything. We didn’t _have_ to worry about anything because the world was just full of happiness and rainbows and adventure. Now there was darkness. The once colourful world had broken in on itself and was slowly fading to black and white. There was nothing to look forward to. Mikasa was able to make it into college all on her own, and Armin has already been offered multiple scholarships throughout the country. I, on the other hand, was failing almost every class. I’ve been told I was “impossible to teach.” It’s not like I expected for anything big to happen. Mikasa and Armin had promise. They had a future. I was just there for the ride- a hopeless minority. A hopeless minority who was just there to stop the people I love from going places. From getting out of this goddamn shithole of a home.

“Eren!”

Armin’s voice interrupted my running thoughts and I found myself staring at my green apartment door, absolutely soaked through my clothes from the rain. His hand was wrapped around my arm, almost stopping me from moving. Of course, I could push him away. I wanted to push him away. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. “Eren... are you going to be ok?”

I turned to face him, managing a small smile. “Of course I’ll be fine.” He raised an eyebrow, silently judging me. “What?”

“I know you. You’re not okay, Eren. When you call me in blind panic at night, that is an obvious sign that you are _not_ okay. Talk to me, Eren. Please.”

“I’m just a little shocked at the news, that’s all Arm’.” I went to open the door only to be pulled back once again.

“I’m scared, Eren.”

“Armin, I told you. I’ll be fine.” I ran a hand through my hair, pulling the loose strands away from my eyes. “Look, I’ll call you later, alright? I’m just really tired right now.”

Armin sighed in defeat and nodded. “Fine, but don’t forget or I will personally drag Mikasa up here to kick your door down.”

I laughed knowing he was 100% serious. It’s happened before and it took us almost two months to raise enough money to buy a new one. I don’t know how she even managed to do it but the door snapped in _half_. This was also followed by her dragging me out of my apartment by my hair and trust me, that was not a fun experience.

“I won’t forget! I promise.”

 

I walked into my apartment after Armin left, locking the door behind me. I flipped the light switch and the lights flickered on, illuminating the room through dusty glass. It wasn’t much, honestly. The apartment was relatively small, maybe enough space to fit no more than two people. It was made up of a bedroom that barely fit a mattress and maybe a dresser, a kitchen the size of a closet, a bathroom, and a living room containing a broken couch that screamed everytime something touched it, a box television, and assorted furniture. Mikasa had tried to convince me multiple times in the past to move, but this space was all I needed. Rent was cheap and reasonable considering my income, which was literally made up of tips I got on the street.

I play guitar. It’s actually the one thing I still enjoy. I guess you could say it was an escape? It’s just the way the strings feel, the texture, the sounds produced... it’s kind of beautiful in its own way. And it makes me feel better knowing that I was able to do that much at least. It felt as if time stopped when I played. It was as if I owned the world, creating something so special just for me to take control of. It was my so-called “happy place,” as Dr. Smith would put it. Personally, the term seemed incredibly stupid, but I suppose he’s right. I cherished the soft strumming, the ache that came after playing for too long, the quiet echo of the last chord reminding me that I was still here- that I was still alive.

I crossed the room and picked up the instrument, bringing it with me to the couch. Stray, broken strings flared from the top like some sort of lame-ass halo. What sort of sad angel would even have something that looks like that? The couch sank under my weight as I placed the guitar on my knee. Drowning out the rain assaulting the windows and the faint leaking coming from a hole in the ceiling, I began to play.

  
  


***

 

A loud banging suddenly interrupted me as I was playing. It was coming from the door, which was visibly shaking from the force. _Alright, Jesus..._ I thought as I walked over to the door. Swinging it open, I found a man with black hair staring angrily back at me. He wore a white button-down shirt and black pants; did this man sleep in a uniform? I was somehow intimidated, despite his short stature. Cold grey eyes pierced mine as I met his harsh gaze.

“Can... I help you?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Excuse me?” I asked, slightly disoriented by his choice of words. The mysterious man crossed his arms and sighed.

“You’ve been playing your guitar since three in the morning. Some of us actually have to sleep, believe it or not." I turned to check the clock back in the apartment but before the green light could come into focus, he spoke once more. “It’s six o’clock if that’s what you’re wondering and I have to be at work by eight so if you don’t shut the hell up with your stupid guitar, I will make you.”

Something told me he wasn’t joking and I didn’t want to find out either way. “Alright. Alright, man. Jeez.” I watched him walk back down the hall and exit into the room a few doors down. Was he new? I never saw him before, which is weird for such a small unit. He seemed too well-dressed anyway. I shut the door behind me and collapsed back on the couch, staring at the guitar. His words seemed to bounce off the walls, repeating over and over like a broken record.

_“Shut the hell up.”_

Who is he to tell me to shut up? No one else ever approached me with a noise complaint. Or maybe they have... I never really cared. If people let me do my thing, why should I go interrupt them? The silence looming in the air was thick and I felt nauseous being alone with just my thoughts. A sickly feeling grew within me until I found myself on the floor crying in the bathroom. Everything just happens so fast. My coping method was now taken away by a man I’d never even met. Sure, if it were anybody else I would have defied them but there was just something about this man; an era that I didn’t want to play with. He literally took my breath away. What would he think if he saw me like this? Would he feel guilty? Would he even care? Shit, why was I even acting like this?! I could feel my pulse racing, veins moving in protest against my heartbeat. Shit, shit, shit. The room was closing in on me and the air grew more and more morbid. I could feel hands around my neck and I couldn’t do anything. “Help...” I pleaded to no one in particular. I don’t care if there is a god out there or what just-

“Help me.”

I had to get out of here. Dad’s voice whispered in my ears, combining with the chaos erupting around me. Lights flickered around me. The peppered tile felt like ice beneath me. There was no air. There was no hope. There was no one left to help me. I was alone. I needed to be free from this. The voices, the screaming, the disorder- I just wanted it all to go away.

 

_“Shut the hell up.”_

 

_“Fucking disgrace...”_

 

_“Worthless...”_

 

_“You’re such an asshole!”_

 

_“Stupid...”_

 

_“... Diagnosed with severe depression...”_

 

_“...Suicidal...”_

 

_“Eren!”_

 

_Eren. Eren. Eren. Eren. Eren. Eren. Eren. Eren. Please just make it all stop._

_I’m scared._


	2. Temps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren attempts to reverse the past and stop the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Suicide Attempt
> 
> Sooooo sorry this chapter is incredibly late. A lot of stuff as been going on lately with school and emotions, but it helped in a way while writing this chapter. My goal for each chapter is to write 2000 words each, which has been quite the challenge but there's always that sense of accomplishment when it's done. Also, I've always been god-awful at dialogue so please bear with me ^^;
> 
> My Tumblr is vogelkatzen and I'll be tracking the tag "fic:vvmc" if you would like to discuss the story or anything in general :)  
> Hope you enjoy!

7:00

 

It was all a rush. The world felt like it was put into fast forward mode and I was there to witness it all. You know those pictures we see, the ones with the cars driving and streaks of light flying after them? It was sort of like that. The fog seemed to only grow thicker and thicker as I ran from the apartment. Rain pummeled my skin as the storm continued.

 

7:30

 

I leaned over the old wooden bridge and glanced down at the murky water below. It wasn’t too deep, yet it wasn’t exactly shallow. My reflection was barely visible as the old lights flickered above me. I was surrounded by pure silence, but a high-pitch ring pierced through my head. I really was alone here. There was no one here to stop this pain, this cry for help. My chest hurts, like someone was twisting my heart and lungs. The pain was unbearable. The water splashed against the bank, as if it were calling me closer. The broken branches and rocks resembled a bed, a home beneath the dark waves. The river almost resembled silk, weaving through the fog as if it were performing a dance.

 

***

 

The phone let out a steady ring as I dialed Armin’s number on my cell phone. My knee bounced impatiently on it’s own and I let out shallow breaths as the line rang. _Armin... Armin, please pick up._ On the fifth ring, his laughter filled my ear. “Eren? What’s up?”

I let out the breath I was holding. “I don’t know what’s going on. I need you here.”

“Where are you?” His voice instantly switched to a serious tone. I could hear people in the background talking, though it was growing more distant. I guessed he was leaving someone’s house, but who knows.

“Dr. Smith’s office. I just... I need you. Armin, please I-”

“Eren, listen to me. I’m on my way now. Don’t you dare hang up on me, alright? I’m here.” A car engine started and the rustling of loose rocks filled the speakers.

“Don’t get in a car accident.”

He laughed. “An accident? Oh, Eren, but I’m the best driver in the world.” That made me laugh, which was nice considering the news I just received. Erwin was shuffling through papers on the other side of the door. He was probably waiting for me to come back inside. I just needed someone here. I needed someone with me. I couldn’t be alone again.

The office seemed too bright as the florescent lights glared from above. The receptionist took various calls, only to be followed by the clicking of a keyboard. Support groups filed into rooms and discussed the world and it’s purpose. People were crying. People were laughing. People were living. And I felt disconnected from it all.

_What’s wrong with me?_

 

***

 

7:40

 

I hoisted myself up onto the creaking wood and sat so my feet hang over the edge. The water seemed to open a void to another world on the other side. A new beginning for me, a chance to somehow reset my life and make it actually worth something. I wouldn’t be a burden there. I would succeed. I’d go to school with Mikasa and Armin. Mom and dad would still be alive. Everything would be ok with the world. No more nightmares, no more sadness... I could finally be happy. But, of course, that was never going to fucking happen. Did I deserve this? Maybe. Maybe not. The river was singing and I closed my eyes, falling into a trance.

 

7:45

 

I was numb. Someone was grabbing me. It was cold. My hair stuck to my forehead and dripped down my neck. My legs hurt. The solid grip of the hands wrapped around my arms hurt. It felt as if I hit a wall, then proceeded to be crushed by said wall. I opened my eyes to see the blurry figure of a man with black hair. He was muttering in a language I couldn’t understand. Was I being kidnapped? I saw that I was being dragged to a car on the bridge, engine still running. What happened? What was this man doing? Where is the river? Where am I? “Hey!” I pushed the man away, tripping over my feet. I saw him stagger backwards and give me a look of disbelief. “Who the fuck are you? What are you doing?!” I shouted, balling my fists in defense.

“I should be asking you the same question, brat.”

That voice... did I know this man? I squinted at him through the light drizzle, taking in his hair, his stance, those grey eyes. The same eyes from last night.

“If you would gladly stop eyeing me up like a fucking piece of meat, I’d very much appreciate it if you’d get in the car.”

“Why?”

“Just get in the fucking car and I’ll explain. Unless you want to stand out here looking like a drowned rat. Yeah, that’ll totally look good to the cops.” He ran a hand through his damp hair and sighed. “Look, just get in and I’ll drive you home. I don’t even give a shit if you want to talk or not but if some else catches you trying to jump off bridges, trust me you’d be going to a psyche ward.”

He was right. Shaking my head in defeat, I opened the door and flopped into the seat. The man sat in the driver’s seat, obviously not happy that his leather seats were being completely soaked through. We sat in silence as he drove back to the apartment complex. I glanced over at him and found myself admiring his feminine features. He had dark circles under his eyes, which were probably caused by me. He pulled into the parking lot and got out, walking around to open my door.

“What are you doing?”

“Helping you to your damn room.”

“I can walk.”

“I noticed. You can also jump. I’m so proud.”

I sighed and got out of the car, aggressively pushing past him. I took a few steps forward to find that my knees felt weak, leaving me awkwardly stumbling onto the sidewalk. The man held me arms and escorted me to the stairs, subtly muttering under his breath. I walked up the steps on my own and opened my apartment door, only to find that he walked in with me.

“You can go now...”

The man looked around the room and placed his jacket on the end of the couch. “Well, I’m already late for work because of your little stunt so you and I are going to talk.”

“I don’t want to talk.”

“Bullshit.”

I crossed my arms and rolled my eyes, annoyed. “Look, I don’t even know who you are.”

“Then who are you?”

“Eren.”

I saw the corner of his mouth twitch as if he wore a small smile. Was he laughing at me?

“Je suis Levi.”

Je-what? I failed French 1 back in Freshman year of high school and I didn’t not need this right now. What a perfect situation. I almost jump off a bridge and my saviour is an old French man. An attractive, old French man. In fact, I could probably get used to it. Wait, what?

“Look... Levi, as much as I’d love to have you stay, I’m really busy so-”

“Kid, there is no point in even trying to lie your way out of this now.”

“Well, I don’t need to be talking to a forty year old man.”

“I’ll have you know that I’m twenty four. What are you? Twelve?”

“And a half.” I scoffed.

“Jesus Christ, I just saw you try to jump off a fucking bridge. Sit your ass down.” Shit. Levi held some sort of power over me... something I couldn’t put my finger on. Probably some form of witchcraft- he looked like he was into that. I sat on the other end of the couch and looked up at the ceiling. I felt the couch shift under his weight as he sat on the other end. His stare burned into my skin. “Why did you do that?”

“There was nothing left to do.”

“Yeah. because in my free time I go and jump off bridges and run into oncoming traffic.”

“Sounds like a party.”

Levi turned his body to face mine. “I’m serious. I know a bad case of depression when I see one. What happened that made you like this?”

“I don’t fucking know, okay?” That came out way louder than I wanted it to. I saw his jaw tighten and the look of pure anger fly throughout those grey eyes. “I didn’t choose to be like this. I never wanted this! I just want it all to end! Why can’t people understand-”

“It’s not a fucking choice, Eren!” I immediately closed my mouth, eyes widening in both surprise and fear. “No one wants to feel like this! I haven’t met a person who does. But there are other ways to deal with it, damn it!” He leaned forward, running his hands through his hair as he let out a breath in an attempt to calm down.

“I didn’t have any other options...” I whispered, blood completely drained from my face.

“Then you make an option. But killing yourself... killing yourself is never the answer.” Those words ran through my mind, silencing me from any other response. I wanted to believe he was right, but it was just so hard.

“Why did you save me?”

“Because that scene has happened to me too many times. I didn’t want to see it happen again.” His voice was soft, barely even a whisper. I felt almost guilty. This complete stranger cared more than anyone to stop me... and now he was sitting on my couch. “I know it’s not easy,” he looked at me, keeping direct eye contact as he spoke, “But you have to fight. Life isn’t supposed to be butterflies and rainbows because if it was no one would ever learn. Things happen for a reason and no matter what that reason is, good or bad, you better fight because this is the only life we get. Don’t be so quick on taking your life when you’ve hardly even lived.” He stood and grabbed his jacket, looping it over his arm. He rustled my hair with his empty hand and walked over to the door. The feeling was short lived as I walked with him. Levi opened the door and looked back at me. “I’m here for you, kid. If you want to talk, I’m just a couple doors down. And that’s only for you- I don’t want fifty thirsty-ass teenagers at my doorstep asking for entry.” I let out a small laugh, smiling at his blunt humour. He walked out the door and started walking back down the hall, but paused halfway to look back at me. “If happiness doesn’t come to you, search for it.”

“Thanks... Levi.”

“Whatever, kid.” And he was gone from sight. But he wasn’t really gone. I could hear his words echoing around me, along with the feeling of his hands around me. It was something I haven’t felt in a while. A form of warmth... maybe even hope. Maybe I can get through this.

 

 _“If happiness doesn’t come to you, search for it.”_   What if, just what if... happiness was just on my doorstep.

  
With black hair and cold grey eyes.


End file.
